..celupar..

..and they also asked "kenapa mulut ko celupar sangat?"

Its a question, but unlike any other questions, this question is heard by my heart. Why, in this world, that I have the inclination of saying bad things about my friends, pointing out their 'defect' to be made as joke?

I thought about this before.

And like myself before, I will point out at my friend. My answer most of the time will be its because of where I grew up, that is how peoples make jokes.

Minute 2:25 : "Melawak orang Kedah, jangan cepat terasa"

And I talked too about how am I raised in my family in which we will laugh at everything. My mom laughed at me when I said I lost my laptop. No hard feeling. It will erase all of the sadness that I feel. We have done that since the day I knew how to speak. Sometime, we will smile just because the person that we love is smiling, and laugh too. Maybe that is too the reason why my friends always say that I'm a laidback type of guy.

But sadly, I knew thats not the real answer to this evil mouth of mine.

I knew, the real answer to this question relies on the imperfection that I have in myself. The answer to this question is, my life. I cannot write everything in here. It won't fit. The story of my life is, like yours, is very long.

Everybody has a story to tell.

And just take it as the real answer to this question is because in my life there is a missing part. A hole. Faulty. Defective. Something that is build upon my life experience when I grew up. And that imperfection is like a gap, in which I did not understand, simply because I didnt have that bit that everybody else has. And to fill in that bit, I try to make up my own way. And of course, things that are imperfect only brew imperfect things. And that imperfection you can see is that I am very 'celupar'.

The 'me' that I potrayed to everybody else is a fake. I am just a pathetic guy. But I know, most of us are. And most of the people is faking their real self.

Nobody is actualy want to hear to your story, they too have their own.

Its not that only you have a problem. Everybody has their own problem.

And when people asked me why my mouth is very 'celupar', ironically what they are asking is "why your life is very pathetic". It took me a very long time to think what to answer, what to tell people what they want to hear. An answer. And not my life.

And the easiest way to do that is to point out thats not my fault, its somebody else. That is what they want to listen. The other part? I'll just keep it to myself.

Maybe next time I'll add "That is the real me"

But like what I used to say to my girlfriend, When you are saying that 'thats the real you', are you saying you are listening to your heart? From what I knew, there maybe our Roh thats speaking to us, or Qarin, but the most dangerous of all is Syaitan. How can we distinguish who is speaking what? I don't know. I best most of you too. And I found that when something is so foggy that we cannot determine which is what, the last rope to hold on to is only our religion, Islam.

Life is ironic. I'm trying to live with it.